Q: I’m staying in my marriage only because of my children. My husband abuses me constantly, verbally and emotionally. I don’t believe the marriage can be salvaged. Neither does the counsellor I’ve seen.
After several sessions, I told my husband I was leaving. But when my children found out, they were devastated. One vomited most of the night. So, I told my husband I would stay because of the children. I thought he would finally treat me with respect and compassion, knowing how I felt. This only lasted a week. It seems he doesn’t want to make it work at all.
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I feel trapped. I feel my youth is passing by and I’m not sure I can wait 10 or more years until my children are grown up and gone. I want to be loved and desired, but I don’t feel that from my husband.
I use any excuse to be away when my husband is at home. I do volunteer work, take classes and get involved in different groups just to fill that void in my life. I want to be involved socially with people.
At home we do not communicate at all. I try to be civil to him. We don’t fight in front of the children, but I’m sure they realize that our not speaking is not normal. And I must organize any activities for the children.
I might as well be a single parent. That’s how I seem to be living now. I’m afraid of leaving, even though I believe I need to. Yet I am sure that sacrificing my happiness for that of my children will make them resent me in some way. I realize they never asked to be brought into this situation so it is my responsibility to make their lives as good as possible. So, do I try to leave my husband again, and tell my children that they have no choice and then hope they recover from these actions?
I know I will not get any support from my family. My parents realize the strain in my marriage, but have told me that no matter what, you stay together for the children’s sake. I also worry what people will think of me if I leave my husband. Good friends tell me just to leave. But when they see me still in my marriage, they say, “Well, it can’t be that bad, or you’d be gone by now.” I’m not sure what to do.
A: It’s tough when you feel trapped in a corner, not knowing where to go.
You can be a good mother and also take care of yourself. See the counsellor again. Work out a way that you can help your children realize you love them, even if you can’t live with their father. And discuss those personal issues in your letter that I didn’t print. Check with a lawyer about your rights to custody of the children and support.
It’s a tremendous burden to leave a marriage, particularly one with children. A women’s shelter may be able to help you. You don’t have to be physically beaten to stay there.
Leaving a partner doesn’t mean your marriage is completely over. It means it’s in such bad shape that you need to be away from it for a while.
Whether things get better will depend on whether your husband gets help after you leave. If he doesn’t, that’s a good sign the marriage is over. If he does, don’t rush back. Make sure he shows you consideration and respect on a regular basis first and renegotiate the terms of reconciliation using a counsellor.
