Q: In a couple of weeks, my former girlfriend and our four-year-old daughter will be moving to the city.
I cannot blame them. My daughter’s mother has tried to get decent employment here, but our town is too small to have much in the way of jobs. The problem is that once they move, I will not be able to spend as much time with my daughter and that really bothers me. I am going to miss her.
I do not want my daughter to forget me, and I don’t want to mess up and have her growing up resenting me. What are my options?
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A: Kids are often desperate to be proud of their fathers.
I hope that when your child moves, you will spend as much time with her as you are able. However, even in your absence your daughter can still be proud of you.
You may not be the richest father on the block, or the strongest or the best looking, but if you look after yourself, both physically and emotionally, and if you deal with life’s challenges reasonably and practically, you will have gone a long way to endearing yourself into your daughter’s life.
The more she is proud of you, the greater the odds that she will be proud of herself as well. It works both ways.
When your daughter moves to the city she will be living in a completely different lifestyle than what she was accustomed to in your hometown. My guess is that she will want to talk about it. Your job is to listen to her as effectively as you can.
Remember that you are not listening to her to get information about what her mother might be doing.
She needs to talk to you about her own stuff: about the kids she is meeting, the school she is attending, the babysitter who is looking after her and how she feels about the pet dog that she had to leave with you when they moved to the city. Chances are good that she also needs to explore her new home. The two of you can have a great time discovering play places in the various parks and the best ice cream parlors.
Finally, don’t change your daughter’s bedroom in your house. If you and her mother continue to work well together in the future, your daughter will likely want to spend time in your home.
You and your family represent a significant part of who she is as a person. Even if she continues to live in the city, having time to learn about all of you goes a long way to helping her figure out who she is as a person, and that is what parenting is all about.
