Q: My mother is getting intolerable. Whenever we go over to her house she is always blaming my father for one thing or another. She is usually running down our neighbours and she is certainly not above telling me that my children would be better behaved if I was stricter with them.
She is ruining most of our visits to her and Dad. I never know whether I should let myself get angry with her and tell her how difficult she is to visit, or if I should just stop going there. What do you think?
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A: You are not likely to do much that will change you mom’s behaviour. My guess is that she has been blaming other people for most of your life, and if you think about it, you have, many times in the past, just figured out ways to deal with it.
But that is not the problem here. In one of those nasty little ironies that life throws at us, you are actually doing to your mother what you are complaining of her doing to you. You are blaming her for “ruining most of our visits.” I am not suggesting that you need to like what your mom is doing, or that you should in any way condone her behaviour. I am simply saying that the problem is that you are letting her get in the way of enjoying yourself.
The question for you is how can you deal with her constant blaming. Your first stop is within yourself. It is called soothing. My guess is that you get agitated just thinking about the difficult times you have had with your mom. As valid as your anger is, I doubt that it is doing you much good at the moment. The more you can calm yourself down, which is what soothing is, the less likely you are to react to her and the better are the chances of dealing with the whole thing more effectively.
Your next stop is with your husband and children, just to reassure them that despite what grandmother says, you love them dearly and that you are not prepared to let anything she says seriously affect you. The more they can stay calm and confident in her presence, which is what they will do if you set an example for them, the more that they will also enjoy their visits. You might even take a moment to prepare them for the visit while you are driving over to her house.
Finally, your last stop is with grandmother’s house itself. I suspect that your mother is an exceptionally lonely lady. I wonder if she knows how to reach out to people to get the caring and respect from others that she deserves. Some of her neighbours are going to greet her when she is walking down the street, but not many of them are going to stop in for a visit when they know that her house is as filled with negative feelings as it is. Your challenge is to see beyond her constant criticism and let her know that you love and care for her more than she can possibly appreciate. This is not an easy task, but if you set that up as a goal, you have a chance of feeling good about yourself and your family when you get back home after one of your visits. You might even get a better visit out of it.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
