Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: My sister did a terrible thing to me. I rented a farm from her on a verbal agreement. I had started to work it when her son came and said they had rented it to someone else. I lost the farm for one year, but went to court and got it back.
After I rented it five years, she then demanded I pay the rent up front, rather than splitting the payment. Then a few years ago, she began borrowing money from me against rents that weren’t due until the following year.
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Before I even got to use the land for which I had paid rent in advance, I got a letter from her lawyer telling me the land had been sold to someone else. And I didn’t even get the right of first refusal! We had an understanding when she bought some land from my father some years ago, that I would have the right to live in the house as long as I wanted. But in a few years she told me to move out.
I took my sister many places, paying for most of her expenses. I loved her and would do anything for her. This is how she pays me back. I have nothing to do with her or my family now. The good that people do lives after them. But the evil and bad are not forgotten. Is it possible to get over such a terrible thing?
A: I won’t comment on the legalities of your problem except that when making business deals with family, it is crucial to have everything in writing, and have an independent person, preferably a lawyer, look over every agreement before it is signed. Advancing or lending money to family members is a tricky issue. We want to help our kin. But if things go sour, not only do we lose the money but we lose our trust and often our relationship with that person.
It hurts to be hurt by family. And it’s hard at times to forgive. Forgiving means you are deciding not to continue to be hurt by her behavior. It doesn’t mean you have to trust her or get involved in future dealings. Given her track record, I would strongly advise against that.
You may not trust her in the future, but you can feel better if you let go of your anger about what happened in the past. This is tough. It involves focusing on today, rather than the hurts of the past. Don’t allow the unanswered question of “why” to dominate your thinking. Focus instead on the “what.” What do I need to do for myself today? What do I need to do to distract myself from the hurting memories?
Emotional drain
When we’re hurt by someone we have to forgive in two directions. We need to forgive the person, so we can stop them from continuing to have the power of emotional pain over us.
We also need to forgive ourselves for getting into the situation in which we were hurt. It’s often harder to forgive ourselves than someone else, mainly because we won’t allow ourselves to make mistakes. Yet none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes.
You will find some help and guidance in my 20-page collection of materials dealing with forgiveness, which can be obtained for $5 from Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2nd Ave. W., Prince Albert, Sask., S6V 5E5, 306-764-2242.
