Q: My daughter, 14, recently met a 17-year-old man through friends. She seems totally infatuated and controlled by him. She pulled away from her regular friends and cut down on her interest in sports and schoolwork. I am worried for her. She also doesn’t want to listen to us. She thinks we just don’t like him.
A: You have a right to be worried. Parents must be alert to their young daughters getting into dating relationships that end up controlling or abusive. Parents need to spot these early warning signs:
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- He phones and she has to call back immediately or he gets angry.
- He told her he loved her, early in the relationship, often by the second date.
- He often gives her advice about her choice of friends, clothing or make-up.
- She cries easily after talking to him and blames herself for upsetting him.
- He tells her she is stupid or that no other boy would treat her as well as he does.
Jill Murray’s book But I love him is a must for all parents who have teenage girls. Murray found that most women staying at safe shelters first got involved in an abusive relationship in their early teens.
“But I love him” is a teenager’s common response to parental concern. Teens also become deaf when parents point out behaviours they are concerned about.
Parents need to challenge their daughter’s idea of love. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. It is how a person treats you. When a boyfriend continues to act in hurtful ways, even if he has said he is sorry, is that loving behaviour?
Murray suggests a parent ask the following countering questions: Do you think it is normal for a girl in a good relationship to spend so much time crying? Why do you need to let him know where you are all the time?
But I love him is a Harper-Collins paperback.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
