Q: My young teenager thinks she can do what she wants and go where she wants to. She relies on friends for direction more than me. I am worried. I am a good parent but I feel she is turning away from me at a point where she needs to have more mature direction in her life.
A: As long as she is living at home, you as her parent have the right to set certain boundaries about where she goes, how long she stays out, and fair and appropriate consequences for her behaviour.
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The role of a teenager is to test parental boundaries as much as possible, as she tries to establish her own life. The responsibility of parents is to only extend those boundaries as, and when, a teenager shows she can handle the responsibility.
A parent’s major job is to be a firm boundary-keeper. From the moment an infant is born until she reaches maturity, parents must set the boundaries. The first boundary may be a bassinette, which expands to a crib or a playpen. Once children are mobile, parents may use safety gates on stairs, or fences to limit a child’s wandering.
Once a child goes to school, parents need to work co-operatively with the school, neighbours and friends about boundaries. If a child says, “I don’t have any homework,” a parent can say, “fine, I will be talking with the teacher tomorrow to confirm that.” The other boundary rule is that the parent must know where the child is after school. The parent has the responsibility to check that he is where he said he would be.
Young children may learn this through experience. When he was in Grade 1, my son once went to a classmate’s house for lunch, but didn’t tell me. I spent the noon hour frantically looking for him, until after following the advice of the police, I checked if he went back to school at 1 p.m. He had. He just hadn’t come home. He got some quick instruction from me on his need to let us know where he was, at all times.
Boundaries are crucial with pre-teens and teens, when friends and peers become important. If a parent does not know where their youth is, and who he is with, the parent is not setting responsible boundaries.
Teens want privacy. They have a right to it, providing they also respect the boundaries their parents set for them. Parents have a right to be firm, but not punitive and to set not only physical, but also social and emotional boundaries with youth.
We can set up safety nets. If they feel unsafe and call home for a ride, we can come and get them with no questions asked. Any youth, male or female, should carry secret emergency cash, only to be used to get a cab to get home if they cannot contact their parents in an emergency.
As long as a youth lives at home, parents have a right to know where he is and who he is with. Parents have a right to know if parents of their teen’s friends set appropriate boundaries. You are not trying to control them but to ensure their health and safety. The best way to do this is to be a good example to them.
We cannot control our youth’s actions when he is out on his own. Hopefully, we have done a good job teaching him about boundaries by that time.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
