Q: We are getting a little confused these days. We have two grandchildren whom we love dearly and for whom we would do anything, but sometimes we are uncertain about what it is that we are supposed to be doing.
Some of my friends provide child care for their grandchildren while both Mom and Dad are at work, but we don’t.
Others are raising their grandchildren while the parents are trying to figure things out with their divorces, but we don’t.
One of my friends walks into her daughter’s life and takes over the whole thing while she is there, looking after her grandchildren, cleaning the house and stuffing the freezer with pre-prepared meals. But I don’t.
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All of this seems to me to be a little much, but I have to admit that sometimes I think that we are missing something by not being more involved with our grandkids. What do you think?
A: The truth is that you are not the one who is missing something. More than likely, it is your friends who are coming up short.
Although it is not written down anywhere, there are in fact certain expectations that we have of grandparents. I think that it has something to do with unconditional love and acceptance. Let’s face it, Grandma and Grandpa are the only ones in a child’s life who can simply love and adore that child without having to indwell him or her with a mountain of expectations.
It makes little or no difference to your life if the child is toilet trained. If your grandchild skips out on his or her vegetables and goes straight for the dessert, do you honestly care? If your grandson gets more than a little mud on his Sunday best en route to Sunday school, does that make any difference to your spiritual well-being?
Of course not. And isn’t it nice after all those years of parenting, and wondering if you were doing a good job with your own children, to have the freedom to enjoy your grandchildren for who they are?
When no extenuating circumstances are at play, Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa do best when they figure out some boundaries.
The first is responsibility. Mom and Dad are responsible for the well-being of their children, they are responsible for each child’s growth and development and they alone are the masters of discipline when the children run amiss. You might not always like what you see when you visit their home but remember always that the world today is different than was the world in which you raised your children. They are doing the best that they can, just as you did. If Mom and Dad are not asking for advice, don’t offer it.
The second boundary is, as I said, nonjudgmental love and acceptance. Grandma and Grandpa are a warehouse of support and compassion for their grandchildren. You can give it and it does not cost anyone a dime.
Finally, Grandma and Grandpa can be fun. Let’s face it. Mom and Dad are busy trying to be those perfect parents raising perfect children. But it doesn’t work and somewhere along the way they may get frustrated with each other. Not so with Grandma and Grandpa. They already know that they are not perfect and they know that their grandchildren are not perfect, so let’s jump off the wagon and have a good time.
Often, grandparents have to assume parental responsibilities and provide child care for their grandchildren. I understand that, but that could mean missing out on other things.
Grandparents don’t have to take on those extra responsibilities. They have a chance to build loving and caring moments with all of their grandchildren, enriching all of their lives. Enjoy it.
