When marriage gets into trouble, one way of healing is to live apart for a while. Yet, periods of separation often make it difficult for marriages to survive. This happens for several reasons.
Trial separations seldom have agendas and agreements. Bouncing back and forth from each other doesn’t improve relationships. It just makes partners tense, which in turns fuels further arguments and breakups.
Living separately requires making suitable arrangements about finances and access to children in the family. This often leads to legal issues and the confrontational style of our justice system only aggravates already existing tension between couples.
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One alternative is a controlled separation, which is a time-defined parting of the ways involving ground rules. It allows partners to discover more about themselves and the other person without complex and legal involvement. It also requires both parties to co-operate on the nature and details of their separation. This is where many trial separations fall apart. Agreements are either not made or are not kept.
Lee Raffel’s book, Should I Stay Or Go – How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books 1999), sets guidelines by which a planned, mutually respected and agreed-to separation can help two people. It helps them to decide whether their relationship is meant to continue or not, and whether they can let go with respect and consideration.
Some of its principles are listed below.
- Have an agreed upon time limit, not less than a month and not more than six months.
- Each partner may get legal advice but agrees not to take any legal ordivorce action during that period.
- Home furnishings are distributed as fairly as possible between the two separate living arrangements being set up.
- Couples mutually agree whether and when they will see each other. The issue of dating others is spelled out clearly and accepted by both.
- Confidentiality of communication is important. Each person must be clear on what is shared with others, particularly relatives and family.
- The couple agrees to work as a team on specific issues, both about themselves and their relationship and to do any homework that a mediator recommends.
Some couples may find the book alone may help them. For others, the book will give them the perception and objectivity they need if they involve marital and personal counselling in the separation process.
Divorce is always a painful experience. With a controlled separation process, reconciliation is more likely and if not, it will help a couple let each other go without the hostility that is so often a part of breaking up.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is wwwsasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
