Q: My mom and dad worked hard over the years, through good times and bad, and over time built an impressive farm for my brother and me to manage. Lately, they have been slowing down and last year, they left the farm to the two of us and moved into town.
All of us thought that was a great move, but so far we have been proven wrong. Mom and Dad are not getting along. Mom’s memory is starting to slip a bit and Dad’s impatience is getting to be unbearable. What can we do to help them recover what we saw as a good relationship when they were on the farm?
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A: You and your family have a sizable problem. The starting point is not with the relationship that you see between your mom and dad, but how they feel about themselves.
My guess is that each one is struggling with self-worth. Don’t forget that while they were working extra hard over the years to build a home and develop the farm, each was also being reminded that he or she was a valuable and worthwhile person.
More than likely, their self-worth was caught up in the farm and they likely have not been happy campers for a while. Until both your parents start to recover their lost self-esteem, their chances for a decent relationship are limited.
Recovering self-esteem is not likely to be drawn from the success your parents had while they were building the farm. While it may be a legacy, it doesn’t help them get up in the morning, prepare their meals, clean the house, do the laundry and enjoy their friends.
If anything, what your parents achieved on the farm distracts them from enjoying their new life in town.
Their self-esteem will likely blossom when they start to feel good about whatever personal independence their aging has left for them.
Reward that. Don’t dwell on what your mom has forgotten. Help her appreciate whatever it is she is doing to compensate for it. Don’t react to your dad’s impatience. The more impatient a person is, the more impatient he becomes. Help him relax.
Your mom and dad, the grandparents to your children, are important people. It is good for grandparents to know they are appreciated but you might have to remind them.
The paradox is that the more a person nurtures his self-esteem, the more he can love another person. Chances are that as each of your parents recovers self-worth, the dissension you are seeing between them will dissipate.
