Q:My wife and I have been married for eight years. We have two small children and our own home on an acreage in the country. Everyone seems to get along reasonably well, but when I am with them, I am often left with the feeling that something is missing from my home. Having a home of my own has always been important to me. When I was a kid, my dad worked in the grain industry and moved from town to town frequently.
By the time I finished high school, I had lived in seven different communities and I had struggled through two stepmothers and one stepfather. Nothing was secure. You would think that I would do better now that I have some stability for my own children. What is my problem?
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A:When you refer to something missing in your home, I wonder if you are referring to something in your past.
Trying to resolve that through your wife or children is unfair and unreasonable.
Children do better when they have someone or something that is reasonably safe, secure and predictable in their lives. They find their security in strong relationships with one or both of their parents.
Children living in the same home most of their lives, but watching as new families move in and out of the neighbourhood and making new friends, may find the security they need by identifying with their home communities.
The need for security in early childhood, when it is not met or satisfied, cannot be compensated later in life, yet that is likely what you are trying to do.
The more you try to relive your early childhood, the less likely you will be successful in your attempts to build your own family while pursuing your career.
My hope is that you will find a counsellor and properly grieve the lost childhood that is likely haunting you.
With a counsellor’s help, you will hopefully say goodbye to those disappointments you endured as a young boy growing up, and open yourself to the rewards your wife and children offer.
Nothing is likely missing from your life. You simply need to be in a place where you can accept and enjoy the love and caring that is there for you to have.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
