As a person who has tried to educate people to understand and handle anger in healthy ways, I am often challenged with the concepts of
fairness and revenge.
Revenge seldom makes things better. It is like keeping score in the game of life. Violence creates more violence. Revenge creates more
revenge.
Ralph Milton delivers a free weekly newsletter via e-mail at ralphmilton@woodlake.com. He recently commented, “I don’t know where the human passion for revenge comes from. It is primitive, childish and very powerful. It seems to me it is stronger in those of us of the masculine persuasion.”
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Milton noted a scene from Fiddler on the Roof when all the people of the village are being evicted from their homes by the Czar’s army. Some of the angry young men demand an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. To which Tevya replies, “and soon all the world will be blind and toothless.”
Milton also noted that in murder trials, if the family of the victim doesn’t get the judgment they want, they claim they don’t have “closure.” Except it isn’t closure they are after, but revenge.
Milton has been to many men’s groups over the years, often dealing with men who have lost or scarred their relationship with girlfriends or wives. Their partners had kicked them out. It often seemed necessary for the men to have a turn at yelling, swearing and threatening revenge.
What they needed to work on was forgiveness. It is hard to forgive the person who they see as having caused all the pain. It was especially hard for the men to forgive themselves for messing up the relationship.
I also recommend the book, Becoming a Forgiving Person by Henry Close, Haworth Pastoral Press, 2004.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
