Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I’m in my late teens. My family has been acquainted with “Jean” for many years. She is my mother’s age. She’s very bossy and opinionated. I’m often the target of her criticism, whether it’s my hairstyle or my choice of career.
For years now and for unknown reasons, Jean has been in a snit. She actively avoids her old acquaintances. I came face to face with her one day, having not spoken with her for many months. She immediately accused me of avoiding her and reprimanded me harshly in public. I had never been spoken to so rudely in my life. As a result of the shock, I said nothing. I don’t want to be disrespectful to my elders, but I want to stick up for myself in the future when she addresses me in such a critical way.
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How should I have handled that particular incident? I realize she will never change her behavior. But what I’d really like to have is an all-purpose comeback that would take the wind out of her sails.
A:We can’t stop people from criticizing us or being verbally aggressive. But we can decide what we do in response. When people say unkind things about us, our common responses are to feel hurt and clam up, or to fight back and argue. We have another choice. We can let the person know what we heard them say, and calmly share that we don’t feel the same way about ourselves.
Also, when people say something to us we don’t appreciate, we can choose to not respond. I don’t mean say nothing. I mean say to the person, “I don’t wish to respond to that comment,” firmly but calmly. This action places you in charge of yourself, and gets you out of the control of the other person.
Repeat your position, calmly and cooly, as many times as you have to. If anyone is going to get upset, let it be the other person, not you.
Taking a time-out is another helpful tool. Tell the person you need time by yourself and leave. Say that you’ll discuss the issue with them at a specified later time. This gets you away and allows you to plan your strategy to deal with that person without being under pressure.
My guess is that Jean has problems of her own and you and others have become the target for her frustrations. The less you respond to her accusations or bossiness, the more you’ll be able to respond to Jean in a supportive way.
