All of us have our moments of conflict. Husbands and wives get angry at each other, parents and children have sparring matches and the agent at the elevator has had a tiff or two with his producers.
The problem is not the conflict, but the result of the conflict if those disagreeing do not come to of a resolution. The conflict escalates and can become more than a contest of willpower. It hits the mean and nasty jackpot and two otherwise reasonable people turn their conflict into a battleground of personal degradation.
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I think most of us would rather avoid conflict. But the only way is by sacrificing ourselves, our dreams, our hopes and aspirations, in effect, by discounting our personal well-being and going along with whatever someone else wants us to do.
Even that is not a sure thing for conflict resolution. I cannot please my wife by promising to take her into town while at the same time I am trying to please my son by telling him he can have the half ton for the evening. That leaves me in a bind, caught in the middle of a conflict between my wife and my son.
The problem with conflict is that once we get agitated, reason is replaced with reaction. Instead of clearly thinking out our problems we grab onto the first thought that comes to mind and throw it back to our verbal opponent. Seldom is anything resolved while this is going on.
I am not sure that we can resolve all conflicts, but we can reduce the extent to which they disrupt our lives. The trick, of course, is to calm down, withdraw from the battle, and reconsider what is going on.
A resolution is based on effective listening and the ability to say what needs to be said. And resolutions are more likely for those willing to
admit that they have made an error.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
