Q: I find that as I get older, I am getting flashbacks to things that happened in my life when I was much younger. Of course most of the flashbacks are negative, about things that I would rather forget. Sometimes I get ashamed of myself just thinking about them. Do you have any suggestions that might help me get over this stuff?
A: In many ways what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. Part of the job that each of us accepts as we creep down the path toward old age is to try to understand the journey we have been on. The flashbacks are just little reminders of some of the stops we made on the journey. They balance some of the more enjoyable times that are easier to remember.
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Probably the worst thing that you can do is to ignore flashbacks or pretend the incident never happened.
No one has led a perfect life, not even some of our great spiritual leaders. Your flashbacks are reminders of your imperfections, of what it means to be human.
To deal with the flashbacks, accept the feelings that spring up when you are having them. If you said something stupid, let yourself feel the foolishness and guilt that rise up. Do not ignore your feelings.
Try to remember as many of the details as you can about the incident. If you said something stupid, you may also have been under stress at the time. The more you can remember, the more you are likely to forgive yourself for a moment of weakness. That does not make your errors in life right, it just makes them more acceptable.
Old age has been called a time of integrity versus despair. Integrity comes from accepting your personal weaknesses while celebrating the successes you also enjoyed.
Despair is found in those who grow old and cranky all at the same time. They are the ones who are not willing to look back at their life journey and appreciate the highs and lows.
Given the option, surely most would choose to believe that their lives have been fulfilling, even if they erred at times and even if admitting to the errors is difficult.
Rather than looking at the flashbacks as difficult moments, try to think of them as invitations, as the challenge to integrity, and as that which is most likely to happen before you can appreciate all of the new opportunities old age brings.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
