Q: From your recent columns on elder abuse, both my husband and myself could readily identify the problem that we see with my mother. My brother is an alcoholic and a drug user. He has violent outbursts. I don’t think he has hit her but he threatens her all the time. He stays with her for months at a time on her farm. The whole time is stressful for us. He complains about her and she complains about him. I do not have any idea how to deal with this problem.
Read Also
Alberta honey business ‘thrives’ despite bumpy beginnings
Thrive Honey showcases its honey production in market where Alberta produces 40 per cent of all honey produced in the country
We live about an hour’s drive away and it is hard to get to see her. I work and have a difficult time getting my own things done, and she wants me to be there to help her. She is not poor and could afford to hire help, but that is not what she wants.
My brother is manipulative, but so is she. I want the best for her, but not at the expense of my own well-being. I can’t do it all. When my brother is here, he at least helps her with all the things she wants done. For example, she called and wanted me to go over to her house to put gas in her truck. I had a meeting at work, so I could not go.
What she really wants is company because she is lonesome. There is only my brother and myself and my kids. I know there is an abuse problem when my brother is visiting, but I do not know what to do. I asked a mental health worker to talk to Mom, but she didn’t want help, and the worker didn’t really think she needed hel-10-P. No matter what I do, nothing seems to help.
A: At times when your brother is not visiting, make supportive phone calls to her, but be realistic about what you can or will do for her. If she expresses anxiety or concern about your brother, encourage her to share exactly what happened. Don’t make negative comments about him.
When he is visiting, continue regular phone contact with her and learn to read between the lines, especially if you know he is near when you call. Before he visits, prepare some code words she could use if he is around that would alert you to her anxiety about something. If she is willing, find out exactly what threats, either indirect or direct, he has used.
Uttering threats is a crime, and sometimes alcoholics and drug addicts use these as an effective form of control. If the threats are reported to the police and investigated, a person can be charged. Your mother may not want to do that, but if someone else witnesses the threat, they can testify to that fact in court.
If there are concerns about how she is handling money, encourage a local person, perhaps the banker, to guide her through her finances.
Set up a budget for her and be alert to major money withdrawals.
