Q: I would like to talk to you about my son. He is 14 years old.
For most of his life, he has been a wonderful boy. He was always eager and enthusiastic for just about anything. He was near the top of class in school, and he was a wonderful companion for his father and me.
But something has changed these past couple years. He is a completely different kid. He is sullen and angry much of the time, not co-operative. His marks in school have taken a distinct drop to below the class average, he is hanging around with less-than-social kids and he is not very co-operative around the house.
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At first, I thought it was me, that I had done something wrong. But his father tells me that he is seeing the same thing at his house when our son is over there for his time with Dad.
I don’t understand what is going on and, worse than that, I do not know how to deal with it. If you have some thoughts about this, please pass them on. Both his father and I are looking for direction.
A: Before you do much of anything, I hope that you will take your son to your family physician and ask for a complete physical for him. It is always best to check these things out before you launch your overzealous imagination into either self-deprecation (that it is your fault) or a futile search for who else might be at fault for your son’s dip into defiance.
Some medical researchers throughout Canada and the United States are doing interesting explorations with MRIs (medical resonance imaging) and the neurological development of early adolescence. Their work might apply to your son.
Apparently, what has been known for a number of years is that much of the overall physical development of the human brain is about 95 percent complete by the sixth birthday of just about all boys and girls.
But MRI research shows developmental activity that goes on inside of the brain, as it adjusts to its new capabilities, is not apparent until early adolescence and not complete until the young adult makes his or her way out of the family home and into the community.
The human brain is a composite of various activities. Those activities grow and develop at different rates. The part of the brain that governs emotions very often matures a little more quickly than does that part of the brain that rationalizes plans and strategies for organizing a day’s activities.
For some kids that means that their feelings are hanging out there without an intellectual guideline to help them deal with those overpowering emotions. That could be true for your son.
If it is, you might have to provide the structure and controls for him that he is not able to provide for himself.
Of course you cannot force his emotions into some kind of a checkmate but you can keep your routines and structure of your home in place and not let him distract from them.
The structure is simple. It is regular bed times, meal times, and quiet times for studying. It does not tolerate destructive behaviour and it does not let you live with a rude kid.
Simple as this is, it could be sufficient to give your son the guidance with which he is struggling to give to himself on his own.
The golden rule throughout this is that you cannot force your son into compliance with sanity. Forcing begets defiance: he will rebel even more so if pushed into compliance.
Instead, you solidify the structures and routines of your home, you invite your son to join you, and you celebrate him when he does.
Remember always that he was a terrific kid. That does not disappear. It may take a while but that terrific kid of which you were once so very proud will likely reappear and all of you — Dad, you and your son — can let this blip in life pass on without any real damage.
