Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: Several years ago I met a woman, also divorced as I was, but quite a bit younger than me. Her two children lived with her. I had one teenager still at home. We became close and in a couple of years were living together. We enjoyed each other and our children got along well. I asked her to be my wife, but we never married.
She’d been physically and mentally abused in a relationship for years. She often cried out in her sleep at night. I’d wake her up and comfort her. We saw counsellors for several years. Then she refused to go. She became quite violent, kicking or slapping me over the slightest incident. One counsellor warned me this could last a long time, and I’d have to be there and be strong for her. I went out of my way to show her love and affection. But she seemed to be deeply unhappy.
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Returned verbal abuse
After several years of her physical and emotional abuse, I began to retaliate. I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I was wearing down. The pressures of farming and ranching got to me. I started to yell back at her, and on one occasion even told her she deserved to have been beaten by her husband. She went to work in town some time ago. She seemed happier and more content. She’d tell me how nice her boss was and how he listened to her problems.
A few months ago, she decided to move away from me and the farm. I was upset, but went along with her wishes and helped her and the children to move.
When I went to see her recently, I walked in just as her boss left after spending the night there, as he had done frequently since she’d moved to town. I was devastated. She told me she couldn’t bear to tell me of their affair. She’d promised she would always be faithful, and I promised as well, a vow I never broke.
I phoned her boss’s wife and told her. I talked to a counsellor, who said if I love her as much as I say, I’ll have to let her heal emotionally and then try to approach her again. Her boss stopped seeing her and went back to his wife.
What should I do? I’m totally at a loss. I did all I could to show her my love and affection. We were starting to have a great life before this happened. I still love her dearly.
A: The counsellor is right. All you can do is reassure her of your love, work on your task of forgiving, and hope she’ll learn about herself from this experience and seek help in her healing.
It can take years for a person to heal from an abusive relationship. Because they hurt so much, they often hesitate, out of fear, to reach out for help. The pain of the abuse was almost impossible to bear, so it’s hard for them to even look back at it, because of their fear that they couldn’t survive those feelings if they had to go through them again. The healing process often seems harder to cope with than the original abuse.
You have several challenges ahead of you. Work on your own healing over the affair that took place and try to understand and deal with the process of forgiving both her and yourself. Finally, you need to improve your assertive but caring and supportive communication skills in order to do these. Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2 Ave. West, Prince Albert, S6V 5E5, 305-764-2242, distributes a number of handout packages of mine on various topics. Contact them for the topics and price list.
