Freelance Columnist
Q: I’m 30ish, married, with children. I live far from my parents. We see each other once a year, and keep in touch in between. I dread our visits and get in a stew before my mother comes. She’s always been a demanding, disapproving person. Things are never good enough for her.
She criticizes a lot, directly and indirectly. Even compliments imply criticism, such as “the porch is much neater than last time.” She criticizes our parenting, homemaking, lifestyle, values, food and even eating habits. By the time her visits end, I’m like a wrung-out dishrag.
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My confidence gets knocked down and it takes me some time to feel like myself again. But there are good times as well. I’m sure my parents’ view is quite different from mine. I don’t think they see themselves as critical or judgmental. They only think they’re making suggestions. They give praise as well, but I seldom remember it or am able to hear it.
I recently visited my parents by myself. Everything exploded. Both sides said horrible things. Yet for me, it felt wonderful to get those things out. I told my mom I felt emotionally battered and exhausted. She told me she felt constantly criticized and rejected. We agreed not to visit for a while. I felt guilty about this, but also a great relief. I don’t want the past pattern of our visits to continue. I need to acknowledge my hurt, but I also want to move on. I feel I’ve sat in the same place emotionally for too long and that my hatred is self-destructive.
At this point, anything my parents say seems like criticism. I’ve no emotional protective layer between myself and them.
I have many wonderful relationships with others. I also have a sense of perspective and humor and can usually take criticism. But this all falls apart when I deal with my parents. I want to move beyond my patterns of responding to them that go back to my childhood. I value much in both of my parents and in our relationship. I want our relationship to continue, but to become healthier.
A: You’ve got a big challenge ahead of you, but at least you know what you need to do. Parents’ greatest challenge is to let go of their children, accept them as they are, and treat them as independent adults. It’s not easy. Both parents and adult children tend to revert back to the ways they related when the children were young.
To help defuse your mother’s habits, practise being positive with her. Model statements of appreciation, such as “I appreciate it when you…” If she makes comparison statements between you and other siblings, just comment, “they make their decisions, we make ours.” Decide when a statement isn’t worth getting upset about. The more your mother discovers you are in charge of your world, the sooner she will realize she’s wasting her time trying to pass on her view to you.
Howard Halpern’s book, Cutting Loose, An Adult Guide To Coming To Terms With Your Parent, is the best resource I know of. If it’s still in print, it’s available in paperback. Otherwise you’ll have to borrow a copy through your library’s inter-library loan system.
My handout package on assertiveness may help. It’s available from Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2nd Ave. West, Prince Albert, Sask., S6V 5E5, 306-764-2242, for $4.
