Q: I am not sure what to do about my mom. She is excited that she is a grandmother but I think that she overdoes it. She stops in, often without warning, and takes my baby out for almost any reason, often for six or seven hours. We have no idea where they are and Grandma will not answer her cellphone. My husband wants to cut my mom off from our baby. I’m not sure what our options are. What do you suggest?
A: I am a great fan of grandparents, but I know that grand-parenting brings with it a different kind of responsibility than parenting. It means respecting the rights and responsibilities of the natural parents while having fun with the kids. I once met a grandmother who reminded her grandchildren that she would not let them eat their meat and potatoes until they had cleaned up their desserts. Grandma was having fun while acknowledging the parents’ rights to set rules for the dining table.
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You need to set clear boundaries separating Grandma’s responsibilities from yours.
Parenting can be overwhelming. You and your husband have to provide firm guidelines for your child while loving and nurturing her. You have to give her opportunities to learn and grow while making sure that she does not get smothered. You need to respond to her without spoiling her.
Grandparenting is much easier. They can have fun with their grandchildren but they must respect and honour rules the child’s parents set out for them.
Grandparents can share family stories from past eras. A child is a product of her family history, and the more she knows, the stronger her sense of who she is as a person will be.
You and your mom need to talk about roles and responsibilities. If you can take the enthusiasm that Grandma is giving to her granddaughter, and channel it into roles that you agree are hers, both of you can enjoy your family life.
Otherwise you might start to compete with each other and that could be frustrating and confusing for you, your husband and your child.
