I am in Vancouver, having just travelled from Saskatchewan to Calgary to Vancouver to visit our daughters. Both daughters are expecting babies in October, so much of our conversation is about parenting.
Our daughters are sharing current research on the topic. A lot of the discussion is similar to information I read when we were having our family. I remember focusing on parenting that was supposed to help build confidence and self-esteem in children. One way to do this was setting out logical consequences, having punishment fit the crime, praising good behaviour and ignoring bad behaviour, unless it was harmful.
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Now what I’ve read in psychology at grad school and in parenting research my daughters send me, is the value of unconditional love. One article called How Not to Talk to Your Kids was of interest to me. You can read the article at nymag.com/news/features/27840/index1.html.
The book I could not put down and had to add to my library of resources is Unconditional Parenting … Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn. It challenges the conventional wisdom about discipline. Instead of us focusing on controlling kids, Kohn asks “what do kids need and how can we meet those needs?” He provides ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. Kohn argues that one basic need all children have is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. He argues that most parenting approaches are based on our fears, and teach children that they are loved only when they please us, impress us and make us look good as parents. I was particularly interested in reading how to support rather than praise my grandchild, Taryn.
Here are some things I took from the book to help us express unconditional love, while still giving children more chances to make decisions.
- Be reflective. Try to figure out what is driving your parenting style. Most of us are heavily influenced by parents, in-laws, friends, relatives and neighbours. Be honest about your motives.
- In some cases, parental requests are out of step with what can be reasonably expected of the child.
- Put the relationship first. A solid, loving relationship is healthier than immediate obedience.
- Kids who are respected are most likely to respect others.
- Be authentic. Real people apologize for their mistakes, making themselves vulnerable. Speak to them from your heart. We are still people struggling to make our way in the world, to do the right thing, to balance people’s needs and to keep learning, just like them.
- Don’t be rigid. Be flexible and spontaneous when you can. It is also healthy for children to see that adults sometimes disagree, which helps to underscore that we are human, and shows them how people can resolve differences respectfully or tolerate and accept differences.
- Don’t be in a hurry. Slow down and savour the time with your kids.
Road trip
When Marla and Ben were home in June, we drove from Clearwater Lake to Regina for a baby shower. Our halfway point on this annual journey has become Mortlach, Sask., where we have discovered many interesting features. Five years ago, Don bought me a Tibetan singing bowl from a little shop for our anniversary. We have since stopped there to appreciate antiques, have ice cream and enjoy the ambiance.
This summer, Marla and I stopped at the Country Garden Tea House for a cold, delicious freshly blended juice drink, Welsh cakes and scones with cream and homemade jam. We visited with the owners, Michael and Susan Franklyn, who emigrated from Wales to Canada in 1990, lived in Calgary until a year ago when they moved to Mortlach, and opened the tea house in March. They serve typically British baking, foods and drink. Their Devonshire cream teas are a huge hit. Every two to three weeks on a Saturday night, they have fish, chips and peas night, followed by darts (men vs. women). Michael and Susan said it is hilarious teaching Canadians how to throw darts.
Since we were on our way to Regina on a hot day with no cooler, we did not want to purchase fresh baking, jams, and lemon curd that would sit in a hot car for most of the day. They suggested we just call them when we got close to Mortlach that evening, and they would come across town to open up so we had lovely baking to take back to the lake. How much we appreciated that.
Recipes for a new mom
Our daughter, Marla, does not like to cook as much as her husband, but realizes that once the baby arrives and she is working from home, she will want to have suppers ready to give her husband more time with the baby. Some of her friends have told her that slow cooker recipes are a new mom lifesaver. Here are two easy favourites from her friend, Alayne, a new mom. If any readers have other slow cooker recipes or easy new-mom recipes that they would like to share, please send them to us.
Pot Roast
3 pound rump roast 1.36 kg
1/2 envelope dry onion soup
mix
1 small onion, sliced
1 can (4 oz.) mushrooms
(with liquid) 125 mL
1/3 cup dry red wine 80 mL
1/3 cup water 80 mL
1clove garlic, minced
1 bay leaf (crushed)
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme 2 mL
1/2 teaspoon dried basil 2 mL
Combine all in slow cooker. Cover and cook 10 to 12 hours on low heat.
Optional sauce
Remove meat. Mix three tablespoons (45 mL) cornstarch into 1/2 cup (125 mL) of cold water. Stir into the roast juice in the cooker and cook on high heat for 10 minutes. Then pour the sauce over the meat.
Slow Cooker Chili
1 lb. hamburger, cooked 400 g
1 chopped onion
1 chopped green pepper
1 can (28 oz.) chopped
tomatoes 796 mL
1 can (14 oz.) red kidney
beans 398 mL
1 can (10 oz.)
mushrooms 284 mL
dash of salt and pepper
2 teaspoons chili powder 10 mL
Optional spices: paprika, cayenne, garlic powder. Mix ingredients together. Slow cook on medium heat for five hours or longer.
Barbara Sanderson is a home economist from Rosetown, Sask., and one of four columnists comprising Team Resources. Send correspondence in care of this newspaper, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or contact them at team@producer.com.
