Q: I would like to know how I can help my lifelong friend. She and her husband are getting a divorce. My husband and I have grown fond of her husband and I am not fussy about listening to my friend complain about him. We like both of them, but I would like to figure out how to help her without getting involved in their conflict. What do you suggest?A: Getting caught up in your friend’s anger for her husband could hurt your relationship.Your girlfriend has four tasks. First, she has to ensure that she has a home that is safe and secure for her and her children. She needs to look after everyone’s basic needs including food, shelter, love and security. Life can be miserable if she is not able to provide the basic needs and she is certainly not likely to move forward as long as her survival is in question.Next, your friend must build a social community. Many friends and acquaintances she had when she was married are not going to be there for her when she is divorced. She will need to forge new relationships to help her through this difficult time.Third, she needs to resurrect a positive sense of her self. Divorce means personal failure. The time and effort your friend put into trying to make her marriage successful did not work out for her. No matter how much she tries to blame her husband for the divorce, it is still her failure, just as it is his.The antidote to failure is success and the breeding ground for success is a positive self regard that comes as your friend recaptures her personal identity as a single person.The final task has to do with your friend’s commitment to values and ethics. Divorce often brings out dishonesty and deception. Personal integrity is sacrificed for battles within the divorce court.Your friend needs to remember that her hurt and disappointment are drawn from a marriage that did not work, rather than from other parts of her life. She needs to rebuild her faith either in her neighbours, spirituality or church if she is going to recover from her broken marriage.Recovery from divorce takes time, as much as three to five years. Be patient with your friend as she makes her way through this long and arduous journey.Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
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