Q: We live overseas and farm on leased land because it is far too expensive here for us ever to buy. We’ve wanted to emigrate to Canada for years. One of the many reasons would be the chance to buy and pay for a farm over a period of time. I checked out prices in the northern prairies and believe I could make a go of farming there.
But my in-laws have always been against it. They think it’s an adult child’s duty not to live far away from parents as they age. I realize that ideally one doesn’t want one’s children to move far away, but surely my wife and I have to think of our future. We explained that we’d visit regularly, hopefully each Christmas and summer.
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My in-laws also opposed our idea of renting more land here in order to maintain the viability of our farm. My father in-law in particular always found it difficult to encourage my wife in anything she achieved. She studied farm administration, won a scholarship to do further studies in several European countries and Australia, and won some international awards in the area of farm administration. Her father’s comment was “I don’t know what you want to do that for.” Her mother didn’t even chastise her husband for that comment.
My father-in-law died recently. My wife is a beneficiary in his will. But my mother-in-law and brother-in-law, the executors of the estate, have told her that if she goes to Canada, she would not be able to have any money available to her. My mother-in-law doesn’t even want us to move elsewhere in this country to try to find farmland we can afford. My wife is in a real dilemma. She’s a very caring person, trying to please me, her mother and herself. Any suggestions you might have would be of great help.
A:As your letter shows, inter-generational farm conflict is an international problem. Many Canadian farm families likely identify with parts of your letter. Parents have the right to their feelings, and the right to make requests of adult children. But if it goes beyond that, the rights of the adult children are being interfered with. If the message is “do this or else,” it’s not a request, it’s blackmail and control. Unfortunately, most parents of adult children don’t realize they’re doing this. They maintain they only “care” and “want to help.”
Get legal opionion on will
You and your wife have the right to make what you see as the best decision for you and your children. I suggest you consult a solicitor, independent from the firm handling the estate, for a legal opinion on your wife’s rights. Executors are responsible for carrying out the wishes expressed in a will. They do not have the right to interfere with or alter the legal rights of any beneficiary. If they try to use stalling as a technique to control the situation, a beneficiary can likely take them to court, but he or she needs to check out their position within the will with a solicitor.
The cruelest aspect of your dilemma is that your wife is being pushed into a situation where standing up for your decision as a couple puts her in conflict with her mother. Perhaps your wife can talk to a counsellor about some communication and assertive strategies or skills which may help her.
Howard Halpern’s book, Cutting Loose, Coming To Grips With Your Adult Parents, may be of help. If other readers share with me their successful strategies for coping with adult parents or in-laws, I’ll print them in the future.
