Q: My boyfriend is having difficulty with his aging mother who came to Canada many years ago after being widowed. She is dependent on him and is jealous of myself and my children. He and I and my children get along wonderfully. We love each other very much. But, she is expecting him to focus on her alone. She sees me as a threat. She never did develop a network of good friends here in Canada. She has been reluctant to learn English and therefore relies on him to do almost everything for her and to be her translator.
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A: This is a common problem with some older immigrants to Canada. They feel overwhelmed with a new language, and also often miss their home country. Although they may become Canadian citizens, they find it hard to be a Canadian socially and emotionally. Their problems and frustrations get dumped on their adult children.
Everyone needs to respect his or her culture of origin. They also expect their children to respect that heritage. But the next generation has to live in Canada as well. Two movies that portrayed this tension accurately are My Big Fat Greek Wedding, a Canadian film, and Bend It Like Beckham, a British film.
Different cultures can have different expectations of family. Family, to a Canadian aboriginal, is anyone who is in any way related to them. British families tend to focus more on immediate bloodline family. In many European countries, allegiance to your family is seen as the most important thing in life. Caring for your parents is important in all generations.
Your boyfriend is facing a difficult situation. He will have to confront his mother eventually, because aging may increase her tendency to be dependent on him. He has a right to plan a life for himself, and his mother needs to face this and start to plan for her later years without hobbling his future happiness.
Getting his mother to accept change of any kind will be difficult. The key to any move however, is for your boyfriend to be honest with his mother about his feelings for you and his desire for a future relationship with you. If his mother is not willing to work to assimilate in Canada for her senior years, her only other option may be to return to her homeland, where I understand she still has family.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
