Q: After 33 years of it, I am getting tired of the never-ending criticism from my mother. Her excuse is that she is a perfectionist and that she expects no more from me than she does from herself. It is so bad that my husband has threatened to banish her from our household until she stops criticizing everything that we do. Is there anything I can do other than avoiding my mom?
A: Start by checking to make sure that your mom is indeed a perfectionist. According to Gordon Flett, a psychologist from York University, perfectionists reveal themselves in three distinct ways.
Read Also
Well-being improvement can pay off for farms
Investing in wellness programs in a tight labour market can help farms recruit and retain employees
The first is that they broadcast traits they consider to be perfect about themselves. They try to impress people and stay away from situations where their imperfections might show.
And they have a tendency to keep problems to themselves, including an inability to admit failure.
One reason for not hiring perfectionists to work in your operation is that they tend to hide mistakes they make rather than admit to them.
When your mom is criticizing you, she is not as interested in pointing out your flaws as she is in trying to build herself up.
Her hope is that the more she is able to impress you, the more you will accept her into your life, and the more that you accept her, the more likely it is that you will look after her.
It’s ironic that she is looking for the acceptance from you that she is not likely to get because she is criticizing you.
Your mother probably thinks being a perfectionist is an asset, rather than a problem. She does not understand that she is driving her friends and family away. She does not understand that perfectionists have strong tendencies toward mental health problems including depression and eating disorders.
Neither does she understand that perfection itself is not a reasonable goal and that she is not likely to ever achieve a moment of self satisfaction and contentment while she is striving for it.
You obviously care about your mother. If you didn’t you would have asked her to leave your life years ago.
You can help her best by seeing past her criticism, not taking it to heart and certainly not letting it get in the way of your relationship with your husband.
You can also encourage her to appreciate that perfectionism is a liability, not an asset, and that she might want to consider changing.
With your support, she might even consider attending a few sessions with a mental health therapist.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in
care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail
jandrews@producer.com.
