Q: Could you do a column on family relationships? I know of a son and daughter-in-law who don’t speak to his parents. As a result, their children are growing up not knowing their grandma and grandpa, who live half an hour away.
I’ve known this older couple for years. Their other son and daughter get on well with them. I find it so sad that this has happened. Do you have any tips or ideas on how they can get back that good relationship that once existed between son and parents? It breaks my heart that this very caring couple seems to have only two kids now instead of the three they raised.
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A: Families don’t always get along. Heredity and kinship don’t automatically create good relationships. And when external stresses such as newcomers to a family occur, what seemed to be a reasonable relationship can quickly become full of tension and conflict.
An adult child’s marriage always puts some kind of stress on his or her parent-child relationship, particularly if that young adult is establishing a home and family in the same area as his or her parents. That stress increases when expectations of the parents and of the young couple are at odds. Marriage is the sign of absolute, final separation from your parents. But it’s also a time when those same parents may become more concerned, wanting to help a new couple out. Some parents might feel that their parenting job is over and the young couple should now fend more for themselves.
Whichever way parents react, there’ll be tension, particularly if their son or daughter’s expectation is the opposite. If parents want to help and the young couple see that as interference, conflict results. If parents don’t want to help any more, and the young couple see this as rejection or abandonment, again there’s trouble.
Conflict can be caused by past arguments that were never resolved when the kids were growing up. It can also be the result of sibling rivalries, which parents may have unwittingly reinforced. And the child’s marriage can bring out resentments that were buried for years.
Some people love their in-laws. Some people are just not comfortable with them. Some can handle short visits, others not. Such family tensions aren’t good, but the key is to find some way to handle them. No solution will be best for everyone. But by creative compromise, some solution can be found which will at least be satisfactory to all. But whatever the tension between a young parent and his or her own parents, denying grandchildren the right and opportunity to get to know and spend time with their grandparents is wrong.
It’s equally important for those children to get to know their extended families, their uncles, aunts and cousins. If feelings are tense, perhaps other siblings can pick up the children and drop them off. By allowing the grandparents to see the children, families may in time be able to lower the walls that separate them.
