Q:My husband and I have been married for more than seven years. Both of us were married before and are committed to making this marriage work. We have run into some snags as we work on our relationship and sometimes those snags have been hurtful.
I have suggested to my husband that we go for marriage counselling, but he is reluctant to do so. He and his first wife went for counselling and he believes that it was more harmful than helpful. I want us to get some help. What do you suggest?
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A:Counselling can at times cause more problems than it solves, but don’t let that discourage you. A number of couples have successfully gone for counselling. The problem is not the counselling, but more likely the assumptions you are bringing into the counselling.
Counselling only works if both of you are prepared to accept responsibilities for your behaviours and avoid blaming each other for your problems.
Here’s a pre-counselling exercise to try. Take a few moments away from each other and clearly identify some of the problems that are general to your life.
Now honestly think about how your marriage is both helping and hurting you as you challenge your personal problems.
If you and your husband take that information to a counsellor, you will have started to pave the way for the counselling to turn your marriage into something meaningful.
Marriage can help each of you become a more complete human being. Counselling may not save relationships that are in despair, but it can help eager couples nurture their personal strengths through their relationships and encourage them to challenge their weaknesses.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
