Q: I have been married for 25 years. Financial problems related to our business ventures have affected our relationship the past few years. We still love each other and want to get our business back on track, but we often argue and blame each other over things. We can’t seem to find the right answers for our business. We seem to have no direction, change our minds repeatedly, and get upset with each other. As a result, I think our marriage needs help, not just the business.
We have many good friends. I feel comfortable with and close to one friend of ours, a married man. In the past few months he and I have spent a lot of time alone by ourselves, since I can talk with him about anything. We have shared kisses and hugs, but I told him I don’t want sex. We both recognize it is wrong for us to talk and meet privately like this, but we feel attracted to each other. And sex is definitely out, at least for me. But I have a hard time dealing with guilt feelings for a few days after we spend time together.
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I wish my marriage had more excitement and feeling in it. With my husband and I, it seems it’s always work and no play.
I tell myself over and over again to quit meeting with my friend, but it is hard to do. I enjoy being with him. But it hurts terribly after. Are these feelings normal? I feel lost. I realize I have brought on my own problems, but I don’t know what to do about them. Please help.
A: The most difficult part of dealing with a problem is to reach out and share. You did that when you wrote to me. There are several things you need to do as soon as possible.
You need to prevent that friendship from developing into anything more. If you are going to see that friend, meet in public at a coffee shop, where both you and he will be more able to keep the relationship on a friendship basis. There is nothing wrong with a married person having a friend of the opposite sex, as long as both of them constantly monitor the friendship and make sure it doesn’t go beyond that.
Types of hugs
You have not gone to bed with this man, but you may be already into a sexual type of a relationship if you kiss and hug. There are two kinds of hugs, a caring one in which a person can hug a person of the opposite sex, even in front of his or her partner, and feel OK about. The other type of hug is sexual, which in time leads to sexual excitement.
You seem to be both a marriage partner and a business partner to your husband. You need to keep these two roles somewhat apart from each other. Business must be dealt with objectively and rationally. When emotions which are part of marriage are added, it may become complicated and confused.
Check out resources in your area to help you and your husband deal with your business. If you find it difficult as business partners to sort out your options and carry them through, contact some government or financial institution that can help. This help is often free of charge or available at a low cost.
Some couples draw the boundary between their marriage and business relationships by agreeing that business issues will only be discussed at the place of business. If you have a shop, plant or office separate from the home, go there to talk business. If you have a home-based business, like farming, decide that one, or at the most two rooms of the house will be used for business talk. All other rooms are non-business, reserved for family and marriage issues.
This may be hard to do, especially at the start, but it can help you avoid having the business hanging over your head everywhere in the house. We all need some safe place or sanctuary away from the pressures of life. It will take practice to do this, but it will help. You may have to tape signs in each room to remind yourselves where to go to talk business.
Check with the counsellors who work for your health district, the clergy in the area, and the regional mental health clinic about getting some marriage coaching. Even good marriages need refresher courses on communication and dealing with difficult issues.
