Q: My brother-in-law is quite overweight and has high blood pressure. He is not even 40. My sister can’t get him to exercise. She has tried nagging him to go out with her for walks, but he won’t. Is there anything else she can do?
A: A basic law of physics states that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This same law applies to people. The harder you pressure someone to do something they don’t want to do, the more stubborn they get.
Nagging won’t work. Neither will pleading. All your sister can do is share her concerns and tell him she will have to take whatever steps she needs to take to protect herself, emotionally or financially, from his unwillingness to take care of himself.
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She might choose to refuse to serve fattening foods at home. If he wants to go out for them, that is his decision, not hers. She can choose to exercise for herself, keeping herself in shape. She can tell him she knows she will have to be in good physical shape to survive after his likely early death from a stroke or heart attack. She could even insist that she be allowed to start up a savings and investment plan for herself, so she won’t be penniless, should he die in the next few years.
Your sister needs to pull back from doing the worrying for him about his high blood pressure, weight and lack of exercise. I am sure she is worried for him because she loves him. But nagging will make her feel bad about herself and make him even more stubborn.
I am sure that at times, she feels angry at him. She has invested many years of her life with this man. He is choosing to risk his life by not taking proper care of it. He is jeopardizing her investment.
Loving someone who is acting in self-destructive ways is exhausting. Al-Anon has a brochure called
Detachment to help spouses of alcoholics take care of themselves. Readers who want a copy of it can send me a stamped self-addressed envelope, or e-mail me at petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca and I will e-mail it back.
You can leave a message at 306-764-1214 with questions for the column or to make arrangements for a speakers’ tour.
