Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I spent 25 years in a mentally abusive marriage. I didn’t realize a lot of it until I left the situation. My husband was eventually diagnosed with depression. He wouldn’t consider counselling. I went for counselling which helped me focus on and deal with the real world. I worked full time all those years. I was also fully responsible for the upkeep of our home.
My family doctor warned me that a person with my husband’s problem could drag down the entire family. And that’s what happened. I’m concerned about my children, now adults, and what they went through. My son is similar to his dad in many ways. I wonder how he will cope if and when he is in a relationship. Our daughter had counselling and seems to cope fairly well.
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I’m now in a new relationship and I’m asking myself why I have this second man in my life. At first he seemed pleasant and caring. But he’s also very scary, a control freak and emotionally abusive. I’m more aware of my situation nowadays, but am still not strong enough in some ways to just say “no” or “to hell with him.” My doctor is referring me to a counsellor. I feel this is the best way to deal with this situation.
I heard that we seem to follow the same pattern in life. How did I pick these two characters out of a crowd of thousands?
A:You realize your situation and are taking steps to get help for yourself. That’s good. Instead of kicking yourself for past errors, pat yourself on the back for having learned to recognize things a lot sooner this time.
If your new partner refuses to become involved in counselling, either by himself or with you, you may need to consider leaving this relationship.
People often fail to get out of unhealthy relationships, even on a temporary basis, because they think this means they have failed. And who wants to be labeled a failure? Failing a second time often hurts more than the first, since you’re not just dealing with the emotional abuse you’re receiving from your second partner, but it is layered with memories of the abuses you suffered earlier.
Take care of yourself
But you aren’t failing and you aren’t a failure. Perhaps you made an error of judgment in picking this second man, but that’s just a mistake, not a failure. If anyone is being a failure, it is him for refusing to look at his own behavior, refusing to realize how he is hurting others, and refusing to get any help or guidance so that he can change. And if he keeps this up, he’ll end up losing you. You’re just doing something you have every right to do, taking care of yourself.
Some of the many good books that deal with emotional abuse in marriage are: The Emotionally Abused Woman and Encouragement For The Emotionally Abused Woman, both by Beverely Engel; Getting Free and You Can Be Free, both by Ginny NiCarthy; When Words Hurt by Mary Heldman; Our Treacherous Hearts – Why Women Let Men Get Their Way by Rosalind Coward; The Pleasers – Woman Who Can’t Say No by Kevin Lemon.
If you want to buy some of these but can’t find them locally, Sunrise Specialty Books, 2727 – 2nd Ave. West, Prince Albert, Sask., S6V 5E5, 306-764-2242, will help you. Also, any information packages on spouse abuse (Abuse 1 and Abuse 2) are available from them at a cost of $5 each, postage included.
