A difficult situation in families and at meetings is how to deal with someone who keeps on talking and doesn’t seem to know when to stop.
In some situations, it creates a dilemma. If you don’t interrupt the person, they keep on talking. If you do interrupt them, they resent it and tension develops. They may feel you are shutting them up or are not willing to listen to them.
It helps to have a signal to let someone who is talking know that they need to wind down and stop soon. Signals are important. They can be many types. Husbands and wives often have subtle signals they exchange when they want to leave a party, or to have a chance to speak privately when out at a family or public function.
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Many years ago, I learned a valuable lesson from a Cree elder. He gave me four words of advice: “Talk less. Listen more.” From this, I developed a signal system with a friend of mine to help me with this task. Other friends and colleagues have used this with me, and I have used it with others.
The signal involves quietly putting out your hand upwards, toward the person, with your thumb tucked in and the four other fingers pointing up. It is a quiet way to communicate, “talk less, listen more” to hear without disturbing or interrupting and often without anyone else realizing what is happening.
The four-finger signal of “talk less, listen more,” is also effective in small groups, family talks and even at business or organizational meetings. It is a way to tell others that you have got their message already, and don’t need to have it overexplained.
Talk and listen
When people keep on talking, it usually means they are interested in what they are saying. But the key in talking to others is to listen to them at the same time. You listen by noting how attentive they are, and when they have heard enough.
People need information and ideas from others.
People often need to give others not only information and ideas, but their feelings as well. Cutting someone off who is sharing a feeling will likely deter him or her from sharing in the future.
But sometimes people need to know when they are saying the same thing, even emotionally, more times than is necessary.
The key in any signal is that both people understand what the signal means.
For this to happen, the purpose and reason for the signal need to be discussed and accepted by everyone involved before it is used.
Then, it is up to one person to pass on the signal, and for the person talking to recognize it and accept that it is time to summarize or stop.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
