Q: My mom died five years ago. For the past two years my dad has taken to calling me daily, day and night, regardless of what I might be doing. I have three young children at home, a part-time job, and a husband who spends long hours in the field. I do not have time for all the calls and need suggestions on how to limit them.
A: People continue to do things when they are getting some kind of reward from them. My guess is that any kind of a response you give your father is rewarding because the sound of your voice is enough. You can best stop your dad’s calls by not responding when he calls, which means that you are stopping the rewards he is getting from the calls. Here is how.
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Pick one or two times a week when you can sit down and have a half hour to talk. Tell him when those times are, and that those are his special times to talk to you.
He is going to test you to see how firm your resolve is by calling at other times and he will probably do so more than once. But you cannot give in, even if you have to be rude.
During your dad’s designated telephone time, try to make the conversation as pleasant and rewarding for him as you can. Remember, this is his payoff for not calling you during the week. It needs to be worth his while.
You can spice up the calls by using those times to let him know when you are planning to visit or to invite him to supper. That makes the call even more rewarding. Planning for activities with him should be done during the scheduled phone calls.
Scheduling might sound a little harsh, but if you stick to it you will find your calls with your father become as rewarding for you as they are for him.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
