Jealousy is one of the most destructive human emotions. It can lead people to harass or abuse others. It can destroy relationships. In some situations, it can be fatal.
Jealousy is only a feeling, and an inaccurate one at that. It is the visible emotion that people experience when they haven’t dealt with other emotions, such as insecurity, fear, inadequacy, isolation and abandonment.
Whenever people act on unhealthy feelings, their behavior is bound to be unhealthy as well.
Jealousy is also malignant. If nothing is done about it, it grows upon itself. If unchecked, it can become obsessive, consuming almost every moment of a person’s life.
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How do you deal with jealousy? The first step is to recognize it as a sign that you feel uncomfortable or worried about something. Instead of accusing the person involved, which is standard operating procedure for most jealous people, share your feelings and fears. Describe the situation as it is or as you are afraid it may become.
Deal only with the facts. Exactly what is happening that concerns you? What changes would you like the other person to make? Do not focus on what you think is happening, since your opinions about that are going to be distorted by your jealousy.
Some people say, “Well, if I could trust her (or him), I wouldn’t be jealous.” You don’t develop trust by focusing on past hurts or mistakes. You don’t develop trust by worrying and jumping to conclusions about what may happen. You develop trust one day at a time, by looking for and appreciating the good things that are happening, not by worrying about the bad things that might take place.
Some men ask, “But if you came home and found your wife in bed with a man, wouldn’t you be
jealous?” I say, what’s the point of being jealous? The affair has happened. I would then need to get in touch with my feelings under the iceberg of jealousy, such as hurt, betrayal and abandonment. Only then would I be able to take care of myself. If I allowed jealous feelings to rule my life, I’d only feel worse and perhaps act in a foolish way.
The proverb “there’s no point in crying over spilled milk” applies to jealousy. The more you worry about spilling the milk when you are pouring it, the more tense you will be and the more likely you’ll actually spill it. The more you are jealous toward someone you care for, the more likely it is that you will drive them away.
Many people are jealous of old girlfriends, boyfriends, or ex-spouses of current partners. I’ll deal with that topic next week.
