Q: Our son has just quit another promising job. He does it often. The problem is that he has a wife and two children and, when he gets discouraged and quits a job, he puts his family in jeopardy. He has no money to support them.
He borrows money from us. My husband is getting so discouraged. The money does not seem to be going anywhere and our son is not learning from past mistakes.
I cannot stop from trying to help our boy. Is there any way out of this for my husband and me?
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A: The problem is that the two of you are rescuing your son. When that happens, the person who has been rescued turns around and starts to hurt the very people who helped him in the first place. Remember, the rescued person is probably not feeling good about himself.
Doing something that would help him feel better about himself is going to take effort. It is much easier for him to put the rescuers down and just start feeling bad about them. He does not feel better about himself, but when he is putting down those who have been generous with him, he is at least able to see himself on an equal playing field.
You are not likely to stop helping your son and his family. You might consider looking at how you are helping them. Giving money does not seem to be doing much good.
You need to do something that is going to help your son develop a sense of pride. Rather than giving him money, consider offering to pay for vocational testing and counselling so he can find a job he will enjoy.
Maybe you can help him get more education or training in something he likes doing. You can explore financial counselling to help him get his books in order or even encourage personal counselling to explore his low self-esteem.
You can offer money to him, but only if he understands that these are short-term loans and you expect them to be repaid as soon as possible.
He might, at first, resent the loan but he will come to see himself in a more positive light once he has repaid it.
Whatever you do needs to be oriented toward your son’s self-esteem, and self-esteem comes from looking after ourselves, not from depending on others. If you are not able to see him as a more positive and productive person, you probably should change your strategies for helping him and keep doing that until you find a strategy that works for all of you.
It will take time, but it is a better solution than arguing with your husband over your son.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
