Q: When I was a young boy, my family was in serious trouble.
My dad was physically abusive toward my mom and my mom handled it by being unfaithful. Both of them drank too much. The great day in my life was the moment they decided to end their relationship and apply for a divorce.
My girlfriend had a similar experience. I don’t think that her family had the same level of violence as mine, but her parents were miserable around each other and their divorce was to be celebrated.
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We don’t want this. My girlfriend and I want to build our own home and have a family, and we want to enjoy each other when we get older. But we have no idea how to go about this.
All that either of us know for certain is that we do not want to do what our parents taught us. Do you have any ideas to help us?
A: The path to success is obscure and many couples are as lost as you in determining how best to get along with each other.
Because both of you had such difficult childhoods, you need to understand that your whole venture into a personal and rewarding relationship is going to take conscious determination. This is not like taking a course from the community college, it is a life long learning commitment.
The good news is that there are a number of resources that can help you learn to relate to each other.
The book store is loaded with information and advice.
My favourite author in the crowded shelf of relationship building is John Gottman. I like working through his books because he is so practical.
You might find a different author to help you. What is important is that you and your girlfriend find a book that both of you like and agree to work through the suggestions.
You can supplement books by attending workshops designed to help couples learn to explore intimacy more effectively.
The workshops let you know that you are not alone. Couples learn how to better relate to their partners.
Finally, don’t forget your local family services agencies and the option of working long term with a marriage counsellor. You might find regular visits helpful.
In many ways these are exciting times. Our culture is learning about intimacy with more enthusiasm than ever.
You have a chance to perfect the art of loving each other and to teach your children that it is possible as well.
