Q: My husband doesn’t want to face money issues. When he gets into a financial crunch, he refuses to answer the phone or deal with creditors.
It even went so far that he purposely stayed away from the farm when some equipment was being repossessed. I felt helpless and hurt at having to deal with the issue.
He also has not had a good employment record over our marriage, so that has placed us in some tight financial jams over the years. He got dissatisfied with a job, but usually hadn’t lined up another one before he quit. He has refused to let me be fully a part of some of our farm business operations.
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A: In a healthy marriage, both partners are involved in making major decisions, and also put in equal efforts to provide for the marriage. Some of this effort may be through child rearing and house managing, which until not too long ago was not recognized as a contribution by courts.
This role is not restricted to women. I know of quite a few men who became house husbands for a number of years while their partner was the major income producer.
The key for a healthy marriage is not how much money a couple has, but how they choose to allocate that scarce resource, with full, open and honest communication.
When this doesn’t exist, marriages and family life suffers. If this imbalance lasts too long and the partner who is not carrying the responsibility of handling finances or earning income refuses to do his or her fair share, negative emotions can rise. The commitment to the future relationship can suffer.
If one partner operates a business, but not well, and his partner continually gets calls and has to deal with bill collectors, she might be able to deal with this problem by getting a message manager service and letting all calls go to it before answering.
Another alternative is to put the partner’s cell phone number on the answering machine message.
Security of children is often one reason a woman stays in what has become an unhealthy marriage.
Once a person decides to hang in, they have a hard time leaving until they realize their children are being ignored, harassed or verbally or emotionally abused. This usually brings things to a head.
However, brief separations seldom bring about major changes. Until the irresponsible partner faces unpleasant consequences, the behaviour seldom changes.
When we fall in love, we often lose our senses for a while. Making a sensible assessment of your future partner is crucial to having a positive and successful marriage.
Next week’s column will focus on issues that need to be negotiated before marriage, because once a pattern becomes established in a relationship, it is usually difficult to change.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
