Q: My husband of three years just admitted to me he is involved in an affair. He wants to leave and live on his own for a while, and keep things as normal with respect to the house. I am confused. He says he doesn’t want to leave this woman because he cares for her too much. But he wants to remain having a normal life, minus me.
I am willing to work the relationship out, but he says he can’t go on knowing he has hurt me so badly. I honestly think he feels guilty, but the part of the guilt that I don’t get is that he continues to be with her.
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A: I understand your confusion. Once your partner is involved with someone else, life is bound to be confusing. I think he is trying to bury his head in the sand, assuming that you will stand by patiently while he tests out his relationship with this other woman.
When people are married it doesn’t mean they don’t feel attracted to others. But feeling something and acting on it are two different things.
Affairs happen when married people don’t recognize and respect emotional and physical boundaries with other people, and forget the commitment they made to one particular person. Once involved with someone else, the excitement, guilt, attraction and behaviour of the other person can make breaking it off difficult.
But your husband is putting you in an impossible situation by asking you to just sit by and wait. The key to being a couple is to be willing to work on these together.
See a local counsellor. You need to work on your self-confidence to cope with what you decide you need, rather than waiting for him to figure out his needs.
A controlled separation that uses a written agreement set up by a couple counsellor can help both people look realistically at their relationship. If they don’t get back together, it can also help them let go with less anger and hurt.
Lee Rafel has written an excellent book, Should I Stay Or Go – How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage (Contemporary Books, 1998). It points out that conditions and terms of a separation must be mutually acceptable. If your husband won’t see a counsellor, I think your next step is to consult a lawyer.
Here are two useful books dealing with affairs. Infidelity – A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman, published in 1998 by New Harbinger Publications is partly a workbook, since the author asks you to keep a diary as you read through it. Secret Lovers, by Dr. Luann Linquist, Lexington Books 1989, is the second best book in my opinion.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
