Q: I wonder if you could help us deal with my father. He has been living alone in the family home since my mother died four years ago. The house is too big for him to keep neat and tidy and the meals he prepares are at best questionable.
We would like him to move into the senior’s lodge in town so that he can get at least one meal a day prepared for him as well as help from staff to do his laundry and keep his room tidy.
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He could come and go from there as he pleases and in the evenings he could probably find people to play pool with him or have a card game or two.
However, he always stalls when we bring him an application form to sign. He knows that he is not doing well living there on his own and he needs to do something about it. But he won’t, and we do not know what to do or say to convince him to make the move.
What do you think?
A: One of the biggest drawbacks for people such as your father, who are considering moving into a senior’s setting, is their fear that their families will abandon them once they are there.
It is not an irrational fear. The family knows that once one or both parents are in the home, they are likely going to be looked after properly and they do not feel the desperate need to check in on Grandma or Grandpa.
The truth is that while family members do not abandon their loved ones, children and grand-children seldom visit the homes as much as they intended before Grandma or Grandpa were admitted.
To make matters worse, many seniors feel that they will be isolated from their communities should they go into a senior’s lodge or other kind of care facility.
They wonder if they will still be welcomed on coffee row, or if they will be able make their way to the arena to watch the local hockey game. They fear that they will miss the funerals of long-time friends.
They are not certain that they will be able to identify with their home communities once they are in a facility. That identification with their home town says a lot about who they are as people, and losing it would be difficult.
Many seniors also think they will lose their personal autonomy if they are admitted to a lodge.
They know they can come and go as they please, but they also know they have to be there at certain times for their meals, and they are not certain they will have any influence on those meals.
Personal autonomy is important to all of us, including seniors.
Seniors’ fears about moving into care facilities are valid. The mistake most of us make is trying to appease people like your father when we talk to them about their concerns. It is better just to listen to them.
The more that you hear and understand your father, the more likely it is that he will understand that you are on his side. Then, when he finally decides that it would be better to live in a more protective home, he can move there, knowing that you will listen and support him through the transition. It will be comforting for him, and that is a gift from you to him he will always appreciate.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
