Q: I am concerned about my daughter, now in her mid-20s. She started seeing and then living with someone who not only had alcoholic parents, but had an alcohol problem himself. She knew this, but kept saying he would change. She was about to get married when she broke off the engagement and moved to another city. With our encouragement she is now studying at university. Her boyfriend wormed his way back into her life and she still spends every weekend with him. She claims she is happy, that he is changing, and that she loves him. But she does not seem to be happy.
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We love our daughter. We try not to smother her or interfere in her decisions.
My husband has given up. He feels she has to start making changes on her own. I’m not so willing to give up.
Her boyfriend is a big talker. He hasn’t achieved much in life. He keeps bragging about what he is going to do, but never does it. Things are never his fault. It’s always someone else’s.
A: Your 14-page letter shared a lot, but indicated three main things:
- Her boyfriend is a controlling person, and likely an alcoholic.
- She is feeling trapped in that relationship because of her love for him.
- You are afraid for her future.
Judging him will only drive her further into his arms. But you can and must describe his specific behaviors, which you or others perceive to be controlling or abusive. It is tricky to do this without her feeling as though you are judging him. One way is to ascribe these behaviors to a fictitious person, and then ask how she sees this person. When she acknowledges those disrespectful or controlling behaviors, you can then ask her if a woman needs to accept them from a man, even if she loves him.
Encourage your daughter to attend Al-Anon so she can learn how to take care of herself, should she continue to spend time with him. I realize she has been depressed and anxious at times and has turned to you. But you can’t give her the answers she needs, since your anxiety about her boyfriend colors your perception.
Help her look at her options and then let her decide which is best. This is the approach she will learn if she gets involved in Al-Anon.
There is a big difference between loving and living. You can love someone, but if the person is abusive, it is not a loving relationship.
Don’t argue or challenge the fact that she loves him. Ask her, however, to look at how he treats her, and for how long she will be able to cope with his behavior.
