Q: I have a 10-year-old stepson who has never gotten close to me since I married his mom two years ago. He resists doing what I ask, and is causing arguments with his mom and me over his chores and discipline. He sees his “real” dad a couple of times a month, and I figure that’s where he is getting the fuel to fire his dislike of me. How can I get closer to him, or at least on neutral ground?
A: Children don’t choose to get a step-parent. A step-parent just arrives if either his mother or father remarries or starts a live-in relationship.
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Each step-parenting relationship is different. Many variables affect step-bonding, such as how long his mother and father were separated, how antagonistic the separation is, how much the children got caught in the middle, age and personality of the step-parent and the child, respectively.
Parents and step-parents have their own personalities and may be at different stages of dealing with the marriage breakup. With the two adults focusing on a new relationship, it is easy for children to feel they have been left behind.
Team parenting is crucial in step-parenting. You and your partner need to discuss and agree on basic approaches. Then, spell them out to him, preferably in writing. He also needs a chance to have input on house rules as well, within the boundaries that both adults are comfortable with.
There may be discrepancies with the rules he faces when visiting his father. If the father is not co-operative, you need to remind the youth that his real dad’s rules don’t apply when he is living with you and his mother.
Once there is a written agreement, build in performance-based rewards. Then, what happens is more a result of his decisions and actions, rather than arbitrary parental power. On some rules about courtesy and respect, make sure the adults follow them consistently as well.
It is important you and your wife discuss all aspects of discipline and chores. Have these written down first. Then explore a fair way of arriving at joint decisions regarding these issues and your stepson.
The one thing children often wish, even though they may not realize it, is for their parents to get back together. Visiting with his father may rekindle old feelings. However, the reality is that he has a biological dad as well as a step-dad. He may feel that getting emotionally close to you is betraying his real father.
Approach him with the perspective that you are not his father, but you are his mother’s partner and husband, and therefore have certain parenting responsibilities that you share with his mother. Tell him he does not have to treat you like a dad and doesn’t necessarily have to like everything about you. But you are now part of the family package. You will do your best to respect him as a person in your dealings with him, but you will also support and back the decisions that you and his mother arrive at together.
Chores and discipline are two major ways that youth can rebel against parents. The more these are spelled out, with reasonable timeframes, rewards and consequences, the less personal is the tension between youth and adult. Instead of nagging about chores, just clearly post his responsibilities, including the privileges he may not earn should he choose not to do the chores.
The Saskatchewan Family Court offers free seminars for parents on separation and its effects on children in various parts of the province. People must sign up in advance for them.
In many areas, family service groups may have educational programs or support programs for step-parents. There are many well written guides for step-parenting available in libraries and bookstores. The internet has excellent sources and ideas. Just type in “step-parenting”. One useful site of the B.C. Council For Families is www.bccf.bc.ca/learn/par_stepfam.html.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
