Q: My son’s Grade 2 classmate was killed in an automobile accident. You can imagine the effect it had on both him and his classmates. The school has been helpful. It brought in grief counsellors to help the children deal with their loss.
I am just not sure what to do with my son at home. We do not know whether we should talk about the death of the boy or if we should encourage our son to try to forget it and carry on with life. What do you think?
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A: All of us, including children, need to grieve when dealing with the death of a loved one or close friend. We also need to understand that children grieve differently than adults.
For many children, grieving is cyclical. They can be incredibly sad one moment, only to be out playing the next moment, and then incredibly sad again.
Parents often make one of two mistakes. They might overreact when their children are sad, fearing that the children will suffer lifelong trauma, and encourage them not to cry.
Or they under-react when their children are playing, thinking that they are now finished their grieving, denying the children the opportunity to continue the process.
Children need the freedom to continue being sad and to play until they finally resolve the loss.
When children are grieving, structures and routines should be consistent. The expectations for children to help around the house need to be reinforced.
The temptation is to let the children stay up later than usual, to watch television shows they would normally not see and to slack off on their daily chores. Unfortunately, being overly sensitive to children and not reinforcing their routines only serves to heighten the insecurities they feel.
The safe world in which the children thought they were living has been shattered by the death.
Many feel threatened and insecure in their own lives. Building their routines helps them reconnect with their personal securities.
If your children want to talk about those deaths they have experienced, they should be encouraged to do so. Children, like adults, resolve their grief more readily when they are able to put some words to their experiences.
Obviously reviewing horrific details is not useful for anyone and may only serve to heighten the sense of trauma in the children. You do not want to take your discussions in those directions.
The important conversations are those in which children are able to freely express their sense of loss, remembering and recalling those personal characteristics they are going to miss having around and talking about the emptiness stemming from death. Their ultimate sense of loss is no different than yours.
If your children are not able to resolve their grief, if they are not sleeping at night, eating or connecting with you and their friends, consider taking them to the local mental health centre for counselling.
A little help now can help prevent problems in the future.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
