Q: My husband and I are struggling with our 12-year-old daughter. She used to be a great kid, but for the past few months she has been anything but great. Her school marks have fallen, she won’t do her chores and those cute little smiles, for which she was famous, are all but gone. We know that she is not involved with drugs or alcohol and nothing terribly traumatic has happened in her life lately. What do you suppose is causing this change?
A: Your daughter may be finding early adolescence a little more difficult than some of her classmates. This means your parenting skills will be tested for the next while.
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Despite cellphones and influences of modern media, today’s children are not fundamentally different than they were when you were a child.
The problem is that you do not remember what it was like. Who wants to remember what may well have been the most challenging time of your life?
Early adolescence is when you were most likely to lose any and all confidence in yourself, when you were so self-conscious you could barely walk into a room filled with people. Your emotions were so erratic that you were never sure what you wanted to do or who you liked.
It was in early adolescence that you discovered that the world was suddenly disappointing, it often was not fair to people and the parent you had admired was human and imperfect. All or part of this scenario may be true for your daughter.
The extent to which kids change in early adolescence is incredible. Their bodies are caught in various growth spurts, their emotions are intense, their school work is more challenging and they are usually expected to help more around the farm.
It is a phase in the growing process for all children. The problem is that few of those who struggle with adolescence will talk about it and many of them will try to forget it once it is over.
The task for you as a parent is to be compassionate to your daughter while insisting that she live within the rules and regulations of your household.
The dreaded curfew, within reason, is essential, nightly study times are important and rude and offensive comments are unacceptable.
All of this can be reinforced over time by reducing her weekly allowance when she needs to be disciplined for an indiscretion. Or you can insist that she spend one of her weekend evenings at home with the family.
What you are looking for is that delicate balance between sensitivity to her needs in adolescence and your need for firmness to preserve sanity in the household.
If you find it, you and your daughter will make your way through her early adolescence and that sweet child will emerge as a remarkable young lady.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
