“Absolutely not” is something we hear when we are young and it is often necessary for our safety.
When a three year old says, “I’m going over to visit Johnny across the street,” the parent responds, “absolutely not. There’s too much traffic. Wait until I take you across the street.”
When a child of nine plans to take her bike out on a busy highway, the parent says, “absolutely not. It’s a long weekend and the traffic is too heavy now. I’m concerned for your safety. You can bike out there tomorrow afternoon, and I may even join you.”
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A teenager says, “I’m going out. I’m not sure where I’m going, who I’ll be with and when I’ll be back.” The parent says, “absolutely not. You are only 13. I need to know who are with, where you can be reached and when you will be home.”
We also hear some “absolutely nots” as adults, from people in positions of authority in health, police and safety services.
I was told “absolutely not” recently when I told my wife I was going to the basement to look for something. Because of my illness, I have little energy. I sometimes forget that and we all suffer. She had to remind me that I can’t do all the things I used to do until my health improves. Sometimes when aging couples are failing and don’t realize they can’t do what they used to, they also need to hear “absolutely not” from their family.
These are all healthy “absolutely nots.”
Unhealthy “absolutely nots” occur when one adult tries to control another.
If a married woman tells her husband she’s going out to visit some friends, he has no right to say “absolutely not” in a controlling matter. If he feels she is spending too much time away from home, then he can ask her to discuss the issue. But an “absolutely not” statement between
couples implies no room for discussion and no right to state an opposing view.
From letters I received from women over the years, who were not physically abused by their husbands but controlled emotionally and socially, their marriages might have been better if they had stood up to their husband’s “absolutely not” statement and plainly said they were not going to pay attention to those types of comments.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
