Q: The other day when my wife and I were having a few words with each other, she ended it by saying that all she wants is to be happy.
That seems simple enough to me. I said some things during our argument that I regret and I would like nothing better than to make it up to her by either giving her something or doing something that would do just that: make her happy.
The problem is that I do not know what it is that makes her happy. We have a great home on the farm, we raised three really wonderful boys, all of whom have since married and left home, and we get more than a comfortable living from the land. Obviously, that is not enough. She wants something more and I am just not sure what it is.
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Have you any thoughts on how I can make my wife happy?
A: I am not sure that you are alone in this. Everyone seems to want that magical formula drawing them and their loved ones into the fountain of youth, bathing forever in the mysterious formula, ensuring a life of enduring happiness.
Unfortunately, there is no fountain of youth. We cannot even agree on what or what not happiness is. If I asked 50 people to define happiness, I would likely get 50 different answers.
All that we know for sure is that happiness is something that is buried away down deep inside all of us and if we are going to be happy we need to quit searching through the eavestroughs of our friends and family and look inside ourselves.
Your wife’s happiness is to be found in her own soul, not yours, and she is likely to be happy only when she takes responsibility for her own well-being.
But that does not necessarily get you off the hook. You may not be able to make your wife happy but what you do, or say, can run enough interference in her own well-being to ensure that she never does find that spiritual moment deep inside of herself. If you are constantly nagging her and complaining about this, that, and everything about the house, she is probably not going to find too many moments of happiness.
If you are either verbally, physically or sexually abusive to her, she is not likely to be happy. If you use that wonderful bank account the two of you have built up over the years to control what she can and can’t do, she is not likely to be happy. If you insist on hanging around every time she slips into town for a few groceries, has an evening out with her girlfriends, or takes a holiday for a couple of days to shop in the city, she is not going to be happy.
Your job is to ensure that your wife has the freedom to explore her own happiness without interference from you.
Love her to pieces, worship the ground on which she is walking and listen carefully when the two of you have a quiet moment together. That will not guarantee her happiness but it will at least give her the support she needs to explore her own well-being.
