Q: We got hailed out a few days ago. This is not the first time that we have had hail but never before have I seen it have such a devastating effect on my husband. He is depressed.
He does not sleep at night, he is not eating properly, and he is more impatient with me and the children than he has ever been.
He spends most of his days sitting in his shop, doing nothing and refusing to talk to anyone. I am not sure what to do about it, but something has to happen. We cannot go on like this.
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A: Thank you for sharing these difficult times for you and your family.
Apart from the practical problems that the hailstorm has caused for your husband, he is likely grieving the loss of his crop, and that makes this a personal difficulty, as much as it is a practical problem.
Just as people feel helpless when someone they love dies, so is your husband feeling helpless in the wake of the hailstorm that ruined his crop.
The difference is that when someone has died, we know and understand clearly the losses that we are grieving.
This is not the case for your husband. Things are a little blurred for him. He might be grieving the loss of his crop, he could be grieving the possible loss of the farm, or he might be caught up in the loss of his own self worth as a farmer. To find out what is really bothering him, you need to talk to each other.
It likely means that you need to do some effective listening. I know that he is not talking much but to the extent that he is, you need to try to understand what he is experiencing.
If he continues to shut you out through silence, try bringing up the hailstorm sometime when it might be appropriate, if only just to let him know you want him to talk and that you are prepared to listen. Then back off and give him room to continue the conversation.
If you bring up the subject too often or encourage him too much, he may think you are nagging and withdraw even more from you and the children.
Grieving brings with it a whole range of emotions, from depression to anger to eventual acceptance of the problem. The more your husband can express his emotions without hurting himself, you or the children, the more likely it is that he will sufficiently heal to begin preparing for next year’s crop.
I am not sure where the magic line is. But if he does not soon start to show a little more enthusiasm for living, the two of you should consider getting some professional help.
Your physician can select medication to help your husband ease his pain and a local mental health therapist or family counsellor can give both of you the support that you need to make your way through this difficult time.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
