Q: I am not sure what to do with my little boy. He is seven years old. Two months ago, his best friend died in an accident. I thought that we had done a good job explaining the death to my son, but sometimes when I see him playing outside, he looks sad and it is breaking my heart. I just want him to be happy again.
A: The death of anyone we care about is difficult. This is as true for your child as it is for you. The difference is that a child’s grieving is often sporadic. The grief comes and goes.
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I recall working with some children whose friend had drowned in a swimming pool. A child would come into my office with his parents, cry vociferously for a few moments and then go outside to play. A short while later he would return and go through another few moments of intense grieving. Then it was back out to play again. This went on, back and forth, for some time. This may be part of what has been happening to your son. Sometimes he is sad, other times he is playing. It is normal behaviour.
People in the adult world generally understand grieving better than they did in the past. We know that grieving can take two to five years to resolve. What we sometimes forget is that children need that long as well. When you see your son outside playing, that does not mean that he is better or he has gotten over it. It simply means that he may be taking a break from his grieving. He may not take the same amount of time grieving that an adult would, but it could be a while before he gradually resolves it.
You can help your son by being there for him as he goes through this difficult period. This means casually mentioning, now and then, the child who died. Do this when your son is having some of his better days. Let him know that you understand his feelings and tell him that you love him when he is hit with the reality of his friend’s death.
The more that your son is able to talk with you about it, the better it is for all of you.
I know you are concerned when your son feels sad, but sadness is a part of what he is going through. He needs to know that it is OK to be sad.
That he is free to feel it when he is around you tells me that he is otherwise safe in your love for him and that you are, without knowing it, being a good parent to him.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
