I sometimes get a letter that is much too long to print, such as an 18-page handwritten letter from a married woman who had written to me several years ago. She wrote again for two reasons.
She needed to have someone listen to her. Because her husband is good at denying and covering up, she only has one or two friends or relatives who know and believe the truth about her abusive marriage.
Secondly, my first letter had helped. In it, I had noted a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from her husband. She asked me for material, but via a friend’s address so he wouldn’t know she had written. The danger signs were on the wall then. And it only got worse.
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She was a hostage in an abusive marriage for almost 20 years. It seems her husband didn’t want a life partner and soulmate, but rather someone to keep his house, contribute economically, be available sexually at his desire. Once she said yes at the church, he basically stopped courting her.
Understanding doctor
The tragedy is that like many women who are emotionally abused, she wasn’t listened to seriously when she asked for help from others, because he was seen as such a great guy. Then a new family doctor in town listened and took her seriously.
Her husband was astute at picking a wife. He chose someone in the health-care field, to whom giving came naturally. It seems he wanted to be a bachelor husband – have all the freedoms of being single, but with all the conveniences of marriage. And he also insisted on a one-vote marriage. He decided where they lived. He decided which church his kids could attend.
His abuse was subtle and generally private. It was emotional, verbal and social. It involved manipulation, ignoring her needs and mind games. And of course, when he pushed her to the point that she physically scratched him, he saw himself as an angel and an innocent victim, which of course, he wasn’t.
A different side
To everyone else, he is a wonderful guy. But to his partner, who has now left him for her own emotional well-being and is proceeding with a divorce, he was an abuser.
It didn’t surprise me when she told me she ended up seeing a counselor, then a psychiatrist and is now on anti-depressants. Getting depressed is perhaps the only way she could deal with the situation. Her husband chose to meet his needs for status and prestige by becoming a workaholic, rather than recognizing her needs as equally important and negotiating ways to meet both of these. He blamed his partner when problems arose with the children, rather than working with her in true co-parenting.
I sent her the Power and Control, and Equality Wheels, which she lost since I first sent them.
Readers can get them by calling 306-764-1214 or e-mailing: petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca.
I also recommend two excellent books The Emotionally Abused Woman and Encouragement For The Emotionally Abused Woman, both by Beverly Engel.
