Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I’d like to comment on your column of Jan. 26, 1995 about abusive behavior by men or women. No doubt a much higher percentage of men are abusive. It may very well be 90 percent as you stated. The 10 percent involving women abusing men is so small that, unfortunately, it can be too easily ignored. But that is of little consolation to someone who is in that bracket. Having been on the receiving end of mental abuse in a marriage for more than 25 years before it was dissolved, I can’t take much comfort from these statistics.
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There was no physical abuse in my marriage, nor in my own family, so I can’t compare physical abuse with emotional abuse. Physical abuse would be much more devastating and terrifying, I would think. Mental abuse is a very subtle but steady diet of destructive behaviors over years, which can be very shattering.
My case was presented in court with professional medical testimony, but it was easily demolished by the other side. Why? Mainly because mental abuse does not leave black eyes or bruises, at least not on the outside. And this brought about even more anguish that could easily have been avoided. I’ve noticed that abusers are convincing talkers.
And my ex-spouse was certainly so. I left the marriage as I eventually could only see my self-destruction or admission to a psychiatric ward as my other options. I know now that there are others, but I did not see them then.
Leaving was very difficult. It involved leaving a way of life, that of farming, which was very important to me. I had no other skills to fall back on. Most of the children were on their own. Our youngest was in high school. She chose to stay with me. She and I have many laughs now at some of the things we’ve had to handle. We made mistakes, but none were disasters. There were many worries and long nights, but out of these came a gift of appreciation for life.
Life is now very beautiful. Each day holds some beauty. I marvel at the gift of peace, something that’s not appreciated until it’s no longer available. I also have much pleasure in relating to my three older kids who all seem to be doing quite well.
There are scars. I still back away from relationships with very fine people. Occasionally I have terrifying dreams that put me back into my old situation. It can take half an hour for me to realize that it’s only a dream, that life is good, and that the terror is gone forever. I have my view of the real world. How real it is to others, I don’t know. But no abuse is justified. Not 90 percent, 10 percent or even one percent.
A:I support your view completely that no abuse is justified. The key is to recognize abuse when it first starts. Once it becomes an entrenched pattern of behavior, it’s harder for the perpetrator of that abuse, male or female, to accept that they’re an abuser. The worse you behave, the more you tend to deny or minimize that behavior since it is so different from what you believe you should be doing. And the harder it becomes for the victim of that abuse, whether male or female, to extricate themselves from that situation.
A lot of abuse, by males or females, is triggered by alcohol. And there is a support group, called Al-Anon for the victims, or more correctly the survivors of that abuse. Pulling back (taking a time-out) is the only way a victim of emotional abuse can prevent himself or herself from falling into the trap of abusing right back.
If you are having trouble with some aspect of your life write to Peter Griffiths in care of this newspaper. Griffiths is a mental health counsellor and member of the Canadian Mental Health Association. Letters appearing in this paper may be edited to protect the writer’s identity, however all are based on authentic letters.
