Q: I love to spend time with my dad. He is a great guy but often when the kids and I visit him, he spends a lot of time putting down my mom. Mom and Dad have been divorced for eight years. You would think that they would be over the hatred and bitterness they have for each other. They aren’t and it really bugs me. Is there anything I can do to help my parents get along?
A: You cannot be responsible for how your parents feel about each other. They have put a lot of time and effort into nurturing their mutual anger and they are not about to easily give it up just because you think they should.
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Ask your father to quit being so critical of your mother. Ask him how he would feel if someone was as critical of his mother as he is of yours. He may not like your mom but that does not give him the right to put down someone important to you.
If your parents are still angry after eight years of divorce, chances are good that they had a symbiotic relationship with each other when they were married. I believe your mom and dad had become too dependent on each other. The dependency was overwhelming, suffocating one or both of them, and at least one of them pushed for a divorce just to get a little breathing room.
Unfortunately, it did not work. Despite the divorce, your dad is clearly as emotionally involved with your mom as he was when he was married to her.
Although it is a negative emotion and often destructive to everyone involved, anger is still a power that keeps people emotionally connected, such as your dad is with your mom.
The only way out is for your father to start taking responsibilities for his own well being.
He has to quit blaming your mom every time he feels bad, every time there is a drought and every time the bank reminds him that he has an overdraft on his account.
The more he learns to be self-sufficient, the less angry he will be toward your mother.
You cannot do this for him. He has to learn to do it for himself. If he is struggling with this or wants a little help, he can always stopin for a few appointments with a marriage counsellor.
Until he becomes more self sufficient and more independent from that relationship with your mother, all you can do is ask him to respect your rules and not put down your mother when you and your children are visiting him.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
