Q: I have been alone and lonely on the farm since my wife left me a few years ago. At times I get to see my little girl but she and her mother live a long way from here and I am not able to get into the city for many visits. I would like to have my daughter come out here but I’ve let this place get run down and I do not want her to see the mess. Sometimes I do not even do my chores, it is that bad.
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My friends have invited me to get back into curling with them but that is not what I want to do. I want another relationship. I have heard about singles clubs in the city. Do you know anything about them? Are they any good?
A: I think before you consider getting yourself into one of the singles clubs, or another intimate relationship, you might want to take a few moments to see what you can do to improve your life as it is now.
Loneliness carries within it a paradox: the more lonely you feel, the less likely you are to have a successful intimate relationship with another person.
From what I can tell in what you wrote about your life, your loneliness is getting out of hand. It is stopping you from going to visit your daughter, from keeping the house neat, from doing your chores and from joining your friends at the curling rink. It will likely stop you from getting involved in a healthy relationship with someone.
If you think about it, loneliness is just not liking being alone. You can counter loneliness by trying to get involved with another person, which is what you are proposing, or you can challenge your feelings by learning to enjoy more of what you do when you are alone.
The goal is to appreciate how great living on the farm can be, to get back into feeling satisfied when the chores are done properly, to having fun when your daughter visits you in the house you are going to clean and to chuckling with the boys at the curling club.
Beating loneliness is going to take a considerable effort. I hope you will think about going to see a counsellor and working with her. You might even want to stop in at your doctor’s office.
If your loneliness is as powerful as your description of it suggests, it may be symptomatic of personal depression. Your physician can give you a prescription that will help you get started on the road to recovery. She might also know counsellors in your community.
I do not know about the value of the singles clubs. Some people like them. Once you start feeling better about yourself you can meet women in any number of different ways. Singles clubs are one option. Some people use the internet. Others get involved in community activities. Meeting people is not hard to do. Getting yourself healthy, so that you can enjoy people when you do meet them, is much more difficult.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
