Q: My family thinks that I am crazy. I have decided to make a family ritual out of supper. We will eat together for at least five evenings a week with no television on, no cell phones working, no iPods and no unexpected company. My family does not like it. But I am determined to follow though on this. What do you think?
A: My first reaction is to tell you to hang in there. I think you are onto something good. If you want to get support for what you are doing, try searching on the computer for something called attachment theory.
Read Also
Rural Manitoba resources slim on natural disaster planning
A study from Brandon University’s Rural Development Institute has found that many rural and small municipalities don’t have the staff or resources to make formal climate plans against natural disaster.
The simplified version of attachment theory is that when a child is born, she reaches out to touch someone, usually her mother, sometimes her father, much the same as a baby colt will struggle to its feet and reach out for its mom.
Our newborns cannot walk at birth, so they reach out in other ways such as crying, smiling, cooing, making funny gestures or whatever.
Problems develop if children’s homes are so helter-skelter that no one is there to respond to them reaching out. This can develop into lifelong problems. The insecurity we see in young people can be traced back to early experiences when they didn’t get attention from their families that helped them understand that they were important.
But parents can make up for those lost moments of early isolation. In effect, you are doing this by insisting that everyone sit at the table during your supper hour.
You are letting each person in your family know that no matter how ignored he is feeling during the day, he will have a chance to reach out and connect when everyone dines together.
They will, over time, start to develop security with each other, and that of course means that they will nurture that same security within themselves. It gives them confidence so they can reach out to the rest of the community.
You do not have to limit yourself to having supper together since some evenings may not work out. Some families have regular family meetings in which everyone is expected to participate. Other families have regular special events such as Sunday supper, attending church together, or declaring a specific night of the week for family fun.
Families might have a quiet time on school night, used to complete assignments and share conversation. Some families have elaborate bedtime rituals. How families choose to structure regularity into their life is negotiable. What is not negotiable is the intent to have a time for families to have moments together. Rituals give families a sense of pride in who they are.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
